25.12.05

The dark is so much more lively than light. Things seem so much more colourful.

"So, what do you really have in your palm?"

"Magic."

"Show it to me."

His palm unfolded, and he turned them around. They were quite empty, except for her glowing face. He put her long fingers on his hand and kissed them in the light of the bonfire.

She laughed, "You liar! There was no magic there! It was just a prank."

"But your face is gold as honey, and your fingers are warm. I was sure there was some magic there.. Let me try a little harder."

Her eyes were shining as he softly brushed away his hands from hers. Three yellow buterflies emerged from her hands and played in the white flowers of the grass. Her eyes grew big and she started playing with the butterflies.

"What do you have in your palm?"

"Magic."

He laughed, and pulled away. "But there's no such thing."

As the fire died away, their voices melted into the silence. I couldn't see them anymore, but I could see their outline. They were both emitting a strange light, as one form, as if the light were coming from above and below them, and they were consuming it. The light was a pale blue and a soft orange. The colours blended, and faded to black, with the fire.

There is no such thing as magic. But there's light, and illusion. And there's darkness.
And they, were all three.

7.12.05

I pull my blanket closer around me. There is an Aunty with a mic like in TV talking to Amma. Amma is scolding the TV Aunty. TV Aunty gave me biscuit also.
Anna went out in the morning. He was wearing blue colour shirt. My Anna wears blue shirt only when there is something special. Today I am going out in the train, he told me. I collected nice nice stones for him to throw into the bridge. He said I must go to school. I laughed and told him today is a sunday!
My Anna is big and strong. He can sing all movie songs very well. Appa doesn't like it when Anna sings movie songs. Appa says I must learn singing very well.
Amma made me take oil bath today. She put coconut oil and some black balls and some white things also in the oil. I like oil baths. The oil is warm and amma puts it for me while telling a story. I take oil bath every sunday. When I take an oil bath, I get very sleepy after eating. I ate lots and lots today. Amma made Avial and I like it very much. She puts lots of vegetables in it which I don't like. She mixed the rice and Avial and put one spoon of Neyyi in it. She mixed it with her hands and made it very soft. She told me the story of Abhimanyu and fed me Avial Chaadam.
I want to go out and play now, but Amma is talking to that TV aunty. I can't hear what she is saying. She is talking in english to Aunty. I didn't know Amma can also talk in english. I thought only teacher can talk in english. There is a lot about Amma that I don't know. Anna and I are the only ones who call her Amma. Appa calls her Rajyalakshmi. My teacher calls me T. Anita but Amma, Appa and Anna call me kutty. Isn't that strange?
Amma has finally finished talking to that Aunty. I quickly run to her and and ask her if I can go out and play. She asks me to stop talking and go to my room. She does that only when Appa and Amma want to scream at each other or if I have done something wrong. But Appa is not at home and I have been a good girl all day. The last time I went to my room during playtime was when I ate up all the curd in the kitchen.
After colouring in the colouring book that Perimma bought for me, I decided to go and ask Amma again. when I went to her room, Amma was crying. I didn't know what to do! Ammas don't cry, do they? I went near her and asked her what happened. She put me on her lap and hugged me tight. I told her not to cry. I promised her I'd give her a chocolate of she stopped crying.
But she didn't stop. I sat in her lap and she kept holding me.
Ammamma and Perimma and Mama and Perippa and Chitappa all came home. As soon as they came, Amma let me go. Chithi took me to my room and asked me to lie down. She was also crying. I didn't understand it. Why were all the older people crying? Chithi stroked my hair and asked me not to worry. Everything will be okay, she said. But there was nothing wrong, except everyone crying. Where are Appa and Anna, I asked her. Chithi held me tight and wouldn't let go of me. I pushed her away. It was high time everyone stopped crying. Besides, I didn't have enough chocolates to offer everybody!
I ran to my Amma and asked her where Anna and Appa were. I'm sure Appa would have stopped them all from acting so stupidly. Appa can make anyone do anything. He is an engine driver you know. He drives big big trains. Whenever he wants, he can make the train move. He allowed me to make the big train noise when I got good marks in school. I am in Lower KG and my teacher even put sticker in my book for getting good marks.
Today Appa and Anna went together in the train. Anna must have also got good marks. That's why he was wearing blue shirt. But it is so dark, why didn't they come back till now? Amma has not even made food. I have to wait so much time. And these people are also there at home. Amma won't stop crying. She is hugging me and screaming "Arun! Arun!" Arun is my anna's name. She is also screaming my Appa's name. I am getting scared. Why is she screaming and crying? Where is my appa? Where is my anna? I want them here now!
Ammamma held my hand and took me away from amma. I was crying very badly. I don't want everyone to cry, I told her. Where are appa and anna, I asked her sternly.
She rubbed her eyes and whispered to me, "They have gone to meet god, Kannamma."

1.12.05

she sits there,
haggled,
her hair drenched
in the pale,
mellifluous moonlight;
the dust, still,
on her feet
listening to the music
of her soul.

the silence around her
settles in a mist,
enthralled by her sound,
swirling to the flow.

she sings to
no one,
at the centre
of the universe,
her eyes shining
and the world watching.