i will try this,
one more time.
i scan my thoughts
for something to say.
there is nothing.
i wait for that energy
to gush through my fingers;
that urge to write,
to sweep through
the magic of fantasy
i see nothing
but empty fields
of green, wet grass.
a bird is flying low
looking for a worm
to feed its
a black juicy worm
peeks out of its home
to nourish another's.
i hear nothing.
not that song i was singing,
not the baby that was crying,
not the movie that is playing.
i shall end this,
with my baseless attempt
at playing with my fingers.
i think i must cut my nails.
do excuse me,
because i have nothing to say
and am forcing myself to.
i might forget
i will try this,
there is not much for me to say, not much for me to do, and there is nothing i want from me. it is a pretty insignificant end, an inconsequential blip in the radar of reality, a booger in a nose filled with phlegm. this is something that has brought me new friends, some that might last for life, some that i lost for life, some that didn't mean anything. it brought me great times, a shoulder to cry on. it defined some relationships, strengthened some, ended some, started some.
we spent evenings full of "long walks, blogging mohikers, messing around with people's reps (generally bitchin'), i found a twin under a sky lit with stars." we spent evenings in national market and corner house, laughing, crying, listening, talking, passive smoking, smoking, riding bikes, drinking coffee out of heart shaped glasses. i spent entire nights on the phone, and not realising it with more than one person i know through blogging.
i have learnt so much, shared so much, and this has kept me going.
i shall go now, but i might come back. i might come back, may be tonight, may be in a week, month, or year, may be never. i might start again, with a head start somewhere else.
but not now. not when i don't have anything to call mine.
i promise to be there for you forever:
(whether you like it or not)
through thick and thin,
through ups: with a hug and a hi-fi,
through downs: with a hug, at "a hand's distance."
through issues: on the phone through the night,
through problems: adopted, or your own.
through parties: and ananya's imitations of ntr moves,
through subways, and deli9s,
little italy, zafraan, waterfront
and spice king.
and long drives: some that broke our hearts,
changed our lives, and our perspectives
(not to forget your nails, with jhatack orange nailpolish),
and others with looking for ice cream at 12.00 am.
through cheese: dosas, pastas, sandwiches, cakes.
through icecream, pani puri, maggi, mirchi bajjis.
through vodka and orange juice,
through coffee, tea and red bull.
through chocolate, paneer (or lack thereof).
through long nights before exams and deadlines
i will console you, get pep talks, give some,
bitch some, curse some, study some, waste some time.
through fights: yours and mine, yours and an’s,
and ananya’s diplomatic skills.
(an and I don’t fight, remember?)
i promise to bug you forever:
i am only your sister playing nagging wife. heh.
(but mostly i shall bug you
when you're just about to fall asleep).
i shall be with you through madness and insanity,
through sense, through non-sense,
through long, winding conversations about world problems,
our lives, the rain, random people at college, basically bitchin';
short, empty conversations about ending the long ones.
through silences: in autos, on the terrace, on the phone.
through music: even if some songs we like talk about not washing off lipstick (ew!),
we also like songs about rainy nights in georgia,
and noone giving us the air that's ours to breathe.
us, we will dangle our legs over the world,
wondering what's to be of us,
laughing, crying, but fighting mostly,
eating, drinking, but talking mostly,
and i promise to be there for you, forever.
Remember that time back in Aloor? When we were leaving, and one of those girls at camp said she'd keep you, and I non-chalantly said yeah okay, atleast that way I won't have anyone to bug me? She said, Yeah right, like I would, that you are my praanam..
I wonder what it was that made her feel that, we were hardly in the same room that day and I really didn't care about what she was saying right then, I was too tired.
I'm glad I have you, darling, 'cuz you really are my praanam, my Guardian Angel, my twin, and my best friend. :)
and since i promised myself i would do this the day my life changes:
This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit
One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.
So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;
So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity.
And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn’t a nerve in your head thatyou aren’t being irked on.
Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.
And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it’s all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won’t get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa?
And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn’t because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse’s hoof.
And you totter to your feet and think. Well it’s all over now and afterall it was only this once.
And he says come back in three monce.
And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition
when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition
is so that he won’t have to go to the dentist.
I wrote a mail to a cousin about two months ago, when she asked me to fill her in about what was going on in my life.
"I just read a blog post about how wonderful life would be if it were in reverse. I think it was a quote from Seinfeld. Everything would end in baby bliss and an orgasm. So that's where i will start, in reverse. The last thing that has happened to me, the most significant thing in three years, is my dentist's announcement. They're coming off, these dreadful braces!
Now, you might wonder why i'm starting with something as immaterial as braces. I have my reasons. I got my braces in the second month of my intermediate first year. Which is around four years ago. So these braces have been an integral part of most of my significant life (if any). Most of my friends (and me, i must admit) don't even remember the Me Before The Braces.
I had them at my first ever with-friends-pub visit, to my first-ever-drink, my first ever kiss (and, despite what anyone might say, you can kiss with braces, they don't make a difference, and they might even be hotter), my first boyfriend, my only break up yet, and many many painful toothaches."
And to requote Nash, like a vicious circle, i had to keep them on for some more time, as if three and a half years weren't enough. So, finally, they're off! And, really, I look quite pretty without them. Cute, even. I'm smiling into the mirror, and whaddya know! There's no metal! I can eat without stuff getting stuck there! Woohoo! How proud of me are you, eh World?