it's two am i'm drunk again and it's heavy on my mind

in three beers and a new friend, i found my loneliness strangely magnified and expelled at the same time. the idea was to walk down marine drive and watch the sea. and at twelve fifteen in the night while we waited for the last train to VT, the many people who waited with us blurred themselves into the background. comfortable silences, gaps in the silences filled by insignificant conversation, the element of familiarity.. the balm i was seeking. i found it all, and i found comfortable conversation.
a song we had heard many times over was playing on somebody's cellphone is the compartment next to ours. the brief traveller sat with us for a period, shared a glimpse into her life, her anxieties, and left us. the stations came and went. we traced them all on a map pasted on the space above the doorway. we stood there with the wind in our faces, enveloped in the worlds we left behind us, trying to make do with what we had.
we got off into a beautiful, empty station. the only other times i had been there, it was full, bustling, with no space to breathe. the policemen at the entrance smiled at us. we hoped for beer mostly, or ice cream at the least. we took a taxi with a blue light to colaba. it was my first time. the near empty roads of bombay seemed to be reflecting our state of mind. just our luck, a cafe, mondegar's was open and was taking its last orders. they played my song too, all the roads are winding and all the lights are blinding.
a sandwich, a pitcher of beer, and ketchup later, we ventured into the streets. we walked by many shiny horse carriages, lit up for couples' romance along the sea. old buildings, perfectly built to the 19th century detail we walked by. we stared like villagers, new to a city. suddenly, we stopped. the world looks very different at two am. gateway of india stood there in front of us, quite unassuming without its hundreds of people, without its many, million lights on the other side of the water. we sat there, happy with ourselves, listened to the sea crash into the wall. we took pictures of ghost hands and the moon, bumped noses into the louis vuitton store and admired old street lights.
on three beers, in a new place with a new friend, life seems good.

(title from dave matthew's band, grace is gone)


twenty friggin' one. yeah baby!


and just because you know you must, and just because you want to, out of the deepest corner, from the bottom, does not mean you have, and just because you’re trying, putting in effort, does not mean you’re putting in enough, and just because you’re still holding on doesn’t mean you’re not fallen, and just because you’re optimistic doesn’t mean it’s right and just because you’re alive doesn’t mean you’re living.
in continuation, you’re exhausted but you haven’t done anything, and you’re not ambitious but have achieved, you’ve finished, but haven’t completed, you’ve cried, but haven’t regretted, you’ve regretted, but haven’t improved.
and you’ve lost, but haven’t tried to win, you’ve criticized but haven’t listened.
you know, yet, you overlook.

may 05, 2005.


three years later, i'm still there. in the same place, in the same phase.