28.2.12

emorant no. 19087

i like being by myself. i like my long walks, i like small bookstores, i like sitting in the sun, drinking tea and juggling two colours of highlighters and three colours of post-its. i love taking long showers with loud music, i have spent days and days without having any substantial conversation with anyone, whole sunday afternoons doing nothing but sing to my niece or baking an orange-and-ginger cake. i'm quite contented by myself, mostly.

but loneliness, that's different. how do you deal with emptiness in conversations? what do you do when you're getting a hug, but that's not who you want it from? you eat a nutella sandwich, but you can only think of eating it out of the bottle while watching TV with your best friend. you don't want to take phone calls, you spend whole hours refreshing your gmail inbox or you look for friends in your facebook list who you haven't seen in seven years or more (and then feel superior about your own privacy settings). nobody is really ever prepared for loneliness. especially the kind that sets in with pms - that just sucks more.