4.11.12

I left behind everything I had ever known and ran. 

I didn't even know what it would be like in a city. I didn't know about the big roads and the cars and people who don't talk to you at all and the small houses and the smaller meals. I didn't know about the smells of food on the roads and the smells of old garbage and the smells of traffic jams and the smells of a thousand armpits scrambling for a place on the morning train. I didn't know about roads you're never meant to walk straight down on and roads you're only ever meant to walk on in the evenings and I didn't know about the roads so full of people selling everything you could possibly think of. I didn't know about some hours when the city swells with people and some hours when the city is so empty you can almost hear the silence. Just, almost.

I especially didn't know about the nights. They're strange, quiet and loud, violent and pathetic, cold and lonely. I didn't know about the hundreds of people sleeping under the large flyovers, not the people living in homes that aren't houses, not the lights that never go off, not the lights that never come on, not the women who aren't out, not the women who are, not the people in their cars and their night clubs, not the policemen and the doctors. I didn't know skies without stars. They're exhilarating, mean and miserable, alert and sleepless, lonely and cold. And I just didn't know about the nights. 

None of it mattered. I left behind everything I knew anyway. 

I didn't have to. It wasn't something I weighed my options and made a rational choice about. It wasn't like I wanted to change the course of my life because it made sense to. I ran, because I was a coward and there was no way in hell I could have done honorable things or heroic things or brave things, or the kind of things that were required of me at the time in general. I might be tempted to call it a stupid decision, but upon reflection I know that the life I would have had would have been less exciting. Safe perhaps, and I would have retained a limb and a couple of teeth perhaps. But far less exciting, and this I can say with some conviction.

3 comments:

freeze-dried said...

<3
And there was a post about NaNoWriMo-ing that has now disappeared - but yes! I'm rooting for you!

Sita said...

thanks! (this is actually incomplete. i think i hit 'publish' instead of 'save as draft' or whatever. but i'm going to let it stay, i think. :P)

also, YAY for you too! let's write this novel already!! woo!

freeze-dried said...

Well, I'm glad you didn't take it down. I like it.
I ... just started and have entirely forgotten how to write. But oh well, let's do eet!