map me

map me:

if there are such linearities
as you might find
upon my body. 



i need an excuse to wear lipstick.

any excuse, really. i brush my lips before i do - gotta get rid of the dry skin, put on chapstick, wait three minutes, then put on lipstick. i pout at myself in the mirror, then blot it out. by the time i get to the party, the lipstick is a ghost. it only exists in my mind - and on the corner of the glass. by the end of the night, i forget i was wearing any to begin with.

eye make-up is another issue. i wear kajal everyday. i look too sleepy without. i don't know how to mascara. the few times i've used it, i've felt super pretty. (make-up is too often in the feeling, don't you think?) i have three boxes with colour for my eyes, but i don't know how to put it on. i've watched too many youtube videos, but i haven't practiced enough.

my mother used more make-up at 27 than i possibly ever will. she used to have these two huge boxes full of lipsticks, eye shadows, mascara, blush, brushes, foundation, two compacts in her handbag at all times, a concealer. she used to wear lipstick and matching bangles to office everyday. she doesn't anymore - i really don't know why.

so why is it such a big deal for me?



an old memory came back to me last night.

we are sitting in the triangle. the flooring is made of mismatched shahbad tiles - grey and gold. we play a hopping game. we hop across the room - one end to the other - making sure we only jump on the gold-tinted stones. it gets tricky around the middle of the room. the gold-tinted tile is under an elaborate stick-on muggu on the floor. it is a matter of much debate - are we allowed to land on those stones or not? 

what did we call it? noranti? warranty? 

the rest of the house is red oxide flooring. the grandfather's room has large square patterns on the floor. it's not fun to play on those floors. outside, though, that's a different matter. the flooring outside is made of unpolished shahbad stones. for a large part of my childhood, half the stones outside were broken on one side of the front yard. we played another game on it, i can't remember what it was. when it was repaired, i remember being heartbroken. i don't know why. 

each window had a different grill pattern - do you remember them? i can't. i was sure i would. the dining room had a square grill? or was it the one with the rectangles? and the faux-study room on the first floor, next to ranga chitappa's room? i can't remember the grill on that either. 



someone inside my head is screaming. i don't know what she's saying, but she's constantly screaming. i've tried everything to calm her down. i'm swimming, i'm listening to music - but she doesn't let me do anything. she doesn't let me read (she screams too loudly to concentrate), she doesn't let me work (she screams oh my so much), she screams she screams she screams i don't know what she says but she screams so much my head hurts. how do i clear my head?